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The Gospel of PoodleTrials, Tribulations, Strife, Struggle, Pain, Love and Family |
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May 09 Complete Update! Its Saturday and I'm at work enjoying a slow day. I'm glad for the slow days sometimes because its the only time I have to reflect, mourn, think, or just about any other emotion I need to feel! My blog is way off... so following the timeline, I'll recap starting with my last blog. Thursday, April 23rd.... Mom moved into a more comatose state with her Morphine regimen they taught me to do. She was finally comfortable and sleeping peacefully. The day was amazing! It was 75 degrees in Michigan, the sun was shining and a cool lake breeze was sweeping the state. I think God planned for her last day on Earth to be as beautiful as she was. We opened the windows in the family room and I sat by her side and talked to her. Told her everything all her friends and family asked me to pass along to her. I put my forehead to hers, told her that I loved her more than anything in the World and that it was okay for her to let go. It was time for her to be done with this aweful pain and her poor sick little body. It was so heart breaking seeing her like this and I just wanted to cry. But I stayed strong for her as I knew she could hear and feel everything that was happening around her. Larry sat with her for a while in the afternoon and said his goodbyes as well, gave her the permission she needed to let go. Later that evening, her breathing began changing and I knew we had a few hours left. I hugged and kissed her little head and held her hand and waited. I prayed for all our family already passed to help me. Grandma had come to me that day, smiled at me, at waited with me to take mom home with her. I prayed to Amanda to go be with her Momma Tammy. Uncle Ralph to go be with Chuck. Mikey to go be with Pete. Nana to watch over us all and hold us tightly in her heart during the night. Just before 2am Friday morning Mom grasped my hand. I called to Larry and he came to the bedside. He held her hand with me and at that moment she let go. No sound, no movement... just quiet, peaceful, and graceful exit. We both cried and cried. He asked me to remove her wedding ring, since he didn't want it leaving with her. I took it off and handed it across the bed to him, but he refused. He said, you need to keep it. This is our family now. I lost it again. I still can't tell that story without losing it. ... ... So, then we called Hospice and they came and wrapped up everything and took her to the Funeral Home. Larry couldn't take it. He kept pacing the house, crying, saying he just couldn't believe she was actually gone. I tried to talk to him, but he was simply not in his right mind. I put on some coffee... I had lots of phone calls to make, but I chose to wait until after 6am since everyone was sleeping and Mom wouldn't want me waking people up at 3am just to tell them of her passing. As the sun rose Friday morning, I made call after call. Everyone in the family, all her closest friends and mine knew what had happened in the night. It was so difficult telling the same story of the night over and over, but Mom had chosen me for this task and I wasn't going to disappoint her. Larry couldn't keep it together to talk to anyone in the family, so he took care of the legal stuff. So many people I didn't even know called to offer their condolences. So many tears, so many memories and so much love passed through my phone this day. There is no questioning how amazing she was and how many lives she touched. I spoke to people around the Globe! Later in the afternoon, I slept. I had been by her side for 4 days and couldn't leave her. Larry came and woke me up about 6. Said we needed to get out of the house and get something to eat. We went to this little lake front restaurant Mom loved. We talked about her.. for hours. We headed home late that evening and crashed. Saturday morning, we drove across the state to St. Joseph to see Corinne, Larry's Step Mom. He thought it so inappropriate to call her, and he needed to see her himself. We got to her house just before 10am and didn't have to say a word. She knew why we were there the second we opened the front door. I just held her while she cried. We sat and went through the events of her passing and talked about some lighter things all afternoon. We left at 5 or so and headed to Kathie's, Mom's BFF who lives just down the road. We went to dinner with her at Larry's favorite pizza joint since 1961. Then we went back to her house and sat up until midnight talking and crying, laughing and crying some more. Sunday we took the longest way home we could find. It was another beautiful day. Record High's for Michigan in April. Just me and Larry in the car, telling stories, being silent, tears and giggles about all the places we had been as a family over the last 25 years. Larry talked about what he would do now to keep busy and move on with his life. She was his whole world and he is going to have a hard time with this, but I think he'll be alright. Monday was filled with more legal phone calls and such. Larry and I went through some things I needed to take home with me and I started packing my bags. I booked a flight Wednesday morning. Wednesday, 5:55am, Flint Michigan... a few tears ran out as the plane lifted off the runway. Leaving the empty house, now cold and lonely. Leaving Larry, lost and sad. Leaving the years of struggle, pain and heartache. So many take offs and landings on this same runway over the last 4 years, each bringing me home only to see her sicker and weaker. Now the next landing will be home to my Family B, My Ritchie who had been there beside me, my amazing friends who were waiting with open arms, hugs and tears. I napped a little to the hum of the engines. Ritchie met me with Starbucks and a long, supportive bear hug. We spent the whole day talking about her, us, and everything in between. We had a few priority errands to run after being gone so long, had to pick up my newly repaired car, and went to see Carol and a few other friends. Thursday I spent the day at home all alone, reflecting, reading all of the many many cards waiting in my mailbox, going through bills and figuring out what to do now. A few things were clear. Mom will be taking care of all my debts. I'm not going to work two jobs after this. I'm going to live and be happy the way she would want. I smoke too much. I need to exercise more. I have some truly amazing friends in my life! and most of all.. I love Ritchie. Mom would have loved him and my only regret is she never got to meet him. Friday I spent with Mary and my girls and that was hard. Mary promised to pitch hit as Mom from now on, although she could never replace her. We talked about how I was feeling, dealing and thinking. Then Tammy came home and we covered all the cold medical parts. Then we all went out to for mexican and margaritas :D Saturday we spent the day with Don & Mitchell who had driven down from Pennsylvania for my birthday. We got Mitchell's hair done which looked amazing! Sunday was birthday day!! Ritchie and the girls had it all planned before I even got home. Amsterdam 1pm... Kiepper, Cheri, Stephen, Tom, Don & Mitchell... and Sara!! They surprised me with that one! We ate brunch, drank, laughed, took pictures, drank, climbed up on a back hoe... took more pictures, laughed, drank... it was fun!! Ritchie, Sara, Cheri and I met up with Rana for dinner at Taco Mac. We got in a very deep drunken conversation about compassion, which I think I offended Rana. LOL We all took off around Midnight and I crawled in bed to sleep. Which didn't go so hot. My husband and the dogs were up early, went and got coffee and crawled home to recover. Tuesday I started back to work... both jobs! Will and Marco both have been so gracious through me being out. Most people would have been fired for being gone 3 weeks...but they both welcomed me back with open arms, hugs and condolences. Will and I went over some changes to the practice and some marketing schemes and stuff. Amsterdam was pretty busy, being Cinco de Mayo, but still only made 75 bucks. I am SO out of practice waiting tables, it was sad! Wednesday and Thursday I was back to my beloved Grant Park Office which is nice even if its slow and a giant money pit! :D Friday Will took off, so I covered both offices and 12 patients, which was a running mess! I got to Amsterdam 15 minutes late and was pissed it was dead all night! So I sat and chatted with Kiepper the whole time and left at 9 to meet Ritchie, Liz, Jennifer and Cyrus at Food 101. Had a quick glass of wine with them, and back to Ritchie to snuggle. So now its just a matter of putting one foot in front of the other, being with my friends, trying to keep my routine so I don't lose my mind...and just live and be happy. The Lesson: Love your family, see them as often as you can. Love your friends, they see you through everything. Respect Everyone. Drop the Drama... its all bullshit anyway and nobody really cares, people have real problems. Keeping the negativity in your life only brings YOU down. For God sakes, BE Happy! Thank you to everyone for the outpouring of support, sympathy, advice, love and hugs!!! I really have needed it and have been so flattered at how much ya'll have done for me!!! From the bottom of my little Poodle Heart... THANK YOU!!! April 21 Time for Peace I arrived back at Mom's about 24 hours ago. I got on the late flight, so crept in during the night while all was quiet and peaceful. I was awoken around 6am by Larry who was trying to get Mom back in the bed after she woke up and tried wandering out of the bedroom. He got her to the couch where we then realized she was in a tremendous amount of pain with no apparent cause. We got her her morning medications and that did nothing. She continued to get more agitated and in more pain with a little fear brimming over the top as she herself didn't understand what was wrong. Larry and I agreed that immediate attention was required, but he refuses to take her to the hospital because he is convinced she will never come home again. They decided a long time ago that her care would remain at home as long as possible. So we decided to get Hospice involved. The nurse finally arrived around 1pm, after a very long and uncomfortable wait unsure of what was wrong and helpless to fix it. They got her on a new version of Morphine, a liquid version, which took 3 doses and 2 hours to have any effect. They gave her Atavan as well, which eventually kicked in and calmed her down. The nurse went through all the information with us and said based on what she has seen, Mom may have a few days, perhaps a week. Her systems are shutting down and the pain is getting beyond control at which point the body will stop fighting. This was not surprising news to me, but still very upsetting. Larry, on the other hand is in a great deal of denial and is having trouble allowing himself to accept what his happening. The nurse tried to cover some counseling options with him, but he is determined to deal with his privately and with no help. I have been trying to talk to him, but so far, its not gone all that well. I am now on an all night vigil. Her Morphine dosage is every 3 hours and Larry isn't comfortable being in the same room with her, much less medicating her. I'm really glad I made that late flight last night, but wish I had gotten her just a day earlier. For the time being, Mom is mostly resting. She still gets agitated and seems to have short, acute stents of pain, but they don't last more than a minute or so. Then she is off to LaLa land... I hope. She doesn't seem to be totally conscious of the pain, but I'm just not sure. The nurse will return in the morning, along with some Home Health equipment they recommended to help with her care. I am really anxious for them to come back. I'm very nervous, scared and uncomfortable doing this myself. I don't know what symptoms are what when I don't have a response to go on. Its nerve racking. Plus my job is basically to keep her doped up all night long and she doesn't seem too thrilled with it. I expected her decline, but I didn't realize when everyone said Momma is going to need you... that this is what they meant. Her mouth is dry, her breathing is labored, she tosses and turns, and she doesn't understand anything I say to her, nor can she respond correctly, if at all. I understand the concept of Home Health, but I don't think I can do this again tomorrow night. Hospice is going to have to stay, or Larry is going to have to step up and take over. I'm to exhausted and stressed to think... to stressed and exhausted to rest. Say a prayer for Mom. Ask for the pain to stop and her remaining days to be restful and quiet. Updates as I can... Donnie April 12 Home with Mom I promised to keep everyone up to speed and I'll do my best here. The truth is we just don't know much... I flew up Friday afternoon and met my Aunt Mary and my cousin Tammy at the airport. We drove over to Mom's in Port Huron getting here around 5pm. Mom was just getting up from her 3rd nap of the day and she looks aweful. She is down at least 30 lbs from when i saw her at Christmas. She's just a little skeleton. Her stomach is distended from the fluid accumulating around what we believe to be her liver. She is taking 4 morphine pills and 5 Vicodin a day. Add on her Lyrica which is a nerve blocker like Neurotin used for dulling pain of malformed, damaged or in her case radiated nerve endings. So she is pretty much loopie or out cold for 15 hours a day, on and off. She can't stand to eat anything. She needs help getting in and out of the bed or couch. She also can't bath or use the bathroom without help. Aunt Mary, under instructions from Pete and orders from Larry to get them up here, called Pete with her condition. They got in the car from Dayton and were here by 9:30pm. Larry is having a rough time as well seeing her this way and we've found him standing out in the driveway crying where she won't see or hear. We got up early yesterday morning and sat around the kitchen table to discuss our options and steps. Based on her current condition and appearance, we all agree that she is in her final weeks. They both have a Living Will so if she doesn't find a way to get food in her, feeding tube is not an option and her body simply can't go without food much longer. She has an appointment tomorrow (Monday) for lab draw and another chemo treatment and none of us feel she has the strength to withstand more of the poison, but then again, if the doc is trying to shrink down the tumors in her liver to improve its function, perhaps she should. My exceedingly organized mother has everything in place for what is to be done after her passing. We looked through the folder she had prepared some time ago to be sure we all know her wishes. She had a chat with me about heirlooms, what to do with clothes, shoes and some other things. So some conversations it seems she is done and ready to go... sometimes she's not going anywhere... but, we all agreed that Home Health, Hospice, or one of us needs to stay here to help care for her. Larry, of course, tends to her as well as he can, but its simply not going to be enough. He is just at a loss for how to deal with this. We gave him a mental health day yesterday to go antiquing and have some time to himself while we stayed here with Mom and prepared Easter Dinner. Since Mary and Pete both had to leave this morning to get back home for work Monday, we did it a day early. Mom went to bed at 7pm Friday night, slept until 10am yesterday, back down for a nap at Noon till 4pm, then up for dinner at 6pm, back in the bed at 8pm. We managed to get a spoon full of ham, mashed potatoes and corn in her, and I was happy that she got down half a piece of Mary's Signature chocolate pie. She got up at 7am to see everyone off this morning and had a lot more energy, better color and more lucid than she has been in days. After everyone was gone, I put her back to bed to nap until her requested Noon wake up call. She told me then that she knows everyone is on pins and needles and thinks she's going tomorrow. I told her I was going to stay, talk to the doctor Monday with her and keep the family posted, and that I would stay up here for the duration. She said No, I'm going back to Atlanta... period. She said that they don't talk about "time left", but that she's not there yet, she can feel it, and she will know when the time comes. So now I'm just here... kinda in limbo... trying to decide what to do. I won't have any data until Monday and that's assuming I can get what I need out of the doctor visit to help everyone plan. That's all we know so far. My family wants me to stay here, Mom says go back home and she'll say when to come. Larry is just... well, lost. So we are just in a holding pattern I guess until we know more of what is really going on. I hope everyone enjoys their Easter... I enjoyed mine yesterday and today I'm going to try and get some rest of my own. I'll update as I can. Love you all for the support, prayers and wishes. I did pass them on to Mom for you when she's there. and she smiles. :D  
March 01 Snowflakes, Reflections and Faith i suppose that its true that things happen for a reason. All you need is a perspective change. I am happy to announce that I have at least begun a new job with great potential. Its is a small local Optician office. For now I will be answering phones and scheduling appointments, and for only a couple days a week, but its something! The staff is amazing and I own Michelle an enormous thanks for introducing me to the owner and opening this door. I love my Kiepper, she always has my back! With some time and effort, I can build this into something long term and successful. I'm even considering using this as a way to continue my Ophthalmology certification and perhaps even obtain my Optician license and actually become a doctor as I've always dreamed of. In other news, I've been taking with Marco at Amsterdam and he is considering using me for a server on Tuesdays to compensate for the growing success of Two for Tuesdays. That would add quite a few extra dollars in my pocket. Also I've been talking to one of the Managers of the Buckhead Restaurant Group about a buser/server position at one of their restaurants. That would yield some instant cash as well. While I was dreading the thought of taking yet another step backwards, I've come to appreciate that its the only option. Like Back to the Future... this alternate future isn't going in a positive direction, so perhaps I'm hoping in my virtual Delorean and skiping a few years back only to reinvent the past in an attempt to end up in the future I was intended to achieve. Yes, I realize its an obscure reference and a strange outlook, but the fact remains that it appears this is exactly what is needed. I'm looking forward to the task and the challenge and as long as I maintain the outlook that it will all wash in the end, I can't argue with using the horrors of the past year to guide me along as I work my way through this. I've been talking to Mom a lot these past days. Her health is again declining and I'm very worried. Now they have discovered that she is retaining fluid in her abdomen for no discernable reason. They have scheduled her for an Ultrasound tomorrow in an attempt to discover the cause. They are speculating that the cancer is beginning to attack some of the more crucial bodily functions causing possible liver, kidney or lymph functions with are not allowing her body to dispell fluid as needed. She has also been severely dehydrated as the chemotherapy is destroying cancer cells, which she is actually sweating out in her sleep. She says it stinks terribly and she's been sleeping on the couch to keep Larry from enduring the stench. Also she is changing pajamas two and three times a night since she is soaking through them. The Oncologist says that they may have to aspirate the fluid next week, which intails impaling her with a giant needle and draining it. Sounds disgusting and painful! I'm forced to realize that these changes are not some fluke, not temporary and indicative of the worsening of her immune capabililties thereby increasing her risk of illness, disease and infection which is what she is most at risk of dying from. She's trying to maintain her ever positive outlook but her will and her patience dwindle with each problem, each test, and each day. I ask for prayers for her in these times, and hope this does not worsen her quality of life any further. While I am trying not to see this as the end of days, I can't help the pain in my heart as I can feel the strength of her spirit begin to quiet. We have always had a supernatural connection that has never been explained and has been there since my birth. It truly frightens me. But I would not have her suffer if I had any power to prevent it. I would rather our Father take her home before she suffers more. With this I shall return to the snowflakes outside and continue to marvel at the awesome power of nature and pray that the future unfold as it should, for the better for us all. Let us all continue to focus on our friendships, loved ones, and the power that keeps us tied together for the bonds of which should not be broken. We all need the strength of eachother to survive and endure. Let us put aside the petty arguements, the small details we get consumed by and remember the reason we are all truly here. This is our family, whatever happenings that brought us together, it did so with a plan we may not yet understand, but will require when the time comes. When it does, I want to be able to look to the stars with thanks for the tools I was given just when I needed them. As my Amanda always said, Hope + Believe = Acheive and I will hold to her mantra as best I can! I miss you baby girl! January 27 Some January happenings. Tuesday morning. I'm jazzed after a very exciting interview yesterday with ASA. Atlantic Southeast Airlines. They called me in for the position of Librarian in the Technical Publications Department keeping up with the aircraft manuals. I'm super excited about this!! I've wanted in the door somewhere in Aviation Ground Ops, and this may just be the perfect job for me. I met with the guy for over an hour and he seemed happy with my skill sets, so here's hoping I get a call back this week with an offer! Keep your fingers crossed for me! I hung out with Michelle last night and sort of celebrated my first real interview in almost 2 months now, chatted about her goings on, and how to handle my rapidly approaching move out date. There is so much that pivots around a new job its hard to plan anything without it! Saturday evening we all gathered at Hong Li for P.Brian's going away-ness. I'm very sad he's moving to Chicago today. We are all going to miss him. It was great seeing everyone, although Burberry was still his distant, cold self. Guess that bridge is burned down for good. Oops. I talked to Mom on Sunday and I was very pleased to hear she was at and Antique show in Ohio and miffed that they weren't making any money... this is a good thing because that indicates that she is feeling pretty good! I spent three weeks with her over the holidays since she was really sick and in a lot of pain. Each time I see her it seems she deteriorates more and more, and with greater speed. It worries me so much. The doctors gave her about 5 years and we are just crossing into that last year. I hate to see her in pain, but I'll never be ready to let her go either. Unfortunately, such is life. So I keep my prayers going and my hopes up as best I can and try my best to be there for her. You only get one Mommy, and she's a pretty cool one, if I do say so myself. Nana Mary called yesterday. She is still without a job and hasn't gotten one response. I'm worried about her too. She has never been unemployed in her life and is terrified more so than everyone else I know whose job hunting. I wish I could just miraculously find her something! If nothing more than to ease her mind. I also had a phone interview with Leap Frog friday. They are hiring for a Help Desk Analyst and although I didn't think I did all that well on some of the technical questions, the recruiter said I did just fine and I passed. She had me complete a personality profile online after the interview. She said she would get me a followup call no later than this friday, either for a one on one, or a thanks, but no thanks. Still haven't heard a peep out of Lockheed Martin since last week when RuthAnn and I submitted my resume. While I'm totally grateful to her for getting my resume on the top of the pile, I really don't think I have the qualifications for the super uber secret stuff they are looking for. Sad, because that would be an amazing opportunity! Well, its back to the search! |
The Bloodline.
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